The Identity Crisis, Part 2

Last year, I wrote The Identity Crisis, and wondered if passion could ever be profession.

I’m still wondering.

But not even a year later, my focus has shifted.

“And here lies the identity crisis,” I wrote. There are two things I want more than anything in this world, more than I want to be a leader or a manager. To write, and to be a mama.”

I’m no longer worried about choosing between the corporate ladder and my creative calling. Instead, I’m reaching out into the dark, hoping to grasp something that I was meant to do.

I can feel in my soul that I’m supposed to be a writer, and even deeper than that, I know I’m meant to be a mama.

But sometimes it feels like I won’t ever accomplish either of these things, and it is daunting.

The literary agent rejections and the negative pregnancy tests are beating me down, like boulders tumbling uncontrollably down a mountain. I am drowning in failure as I sink deeper and deeper into dark waters that I don’t know how to navigate. This is not the map I illustrated for myself.

This is something else entirely.

I can’t write. My novel has seen no success, and there’s no room in my headspace to create something new. I simply can’t wrap my mind around building a new world. I can’t dedicate the energy, because I am facing my worst nightmare: infertility.

And it’s draining.

It’s all I think about.

Sometimes, I feel so lost.

I have steps to take. Things to do. There is nowhere to go but forward, and forward I shall go. One day, one hour, one word at a time.

But who am I, if not a writer?

Who am I, if not a mama?

Who?

And here lies the identity crisis, part 2.

7 Comments

  1. Mark Ramach

    You are an amazing young woman who still has plenty of time to achieve your desired identity. I too, was frustrated in not achieving some of my early career goals. In the end I surpassed my goals and made to the top of my profession. Now that I’m retired I am trying to discover what my new identity might be. Life is certainly a journey but many of us are so worried about making it to the end that we don’t take the time to enjoy the ride.

    Like

  2. Jane Ramach

    My heart aches for your experience with infertility-I don’t even know the right words to say other than I love you. As for your writing, you are doing it with this. Who am I, is who you are perceived to be, whether by yourself or others. To me, you will always be Katie cakes – a beautiful smart girl with a bright smile and commanding personality, a girl who is always older and wiser than her years, a girl who is always taking care of others. To me, you are already a writer and a “mama.” I hope you come to see yourself the way I see you.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. The Montreal Cat Lady

    I feel you so much. It is scary when things you thought would define you and give you purpose don’t work out the way you would like. You end up feeling so lost. I don’t really have any advice because I’m working through my own ‘identity crisis’ if that’s what I should call it.

    I think my therapist would say that you are still a writer as long as you write. As for being a mom, helping out friends with their kids might give you some fulfillment while you try to get pregnant…

    It all sucks that life doesn’t go how you want it to and that there are many unexpected hurdles along the way. Hopefully, they are there for a reason. Hang in there. 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  4. sierrak83

    From another 30-something aspiring writer who’s still trying to figure out what she wants to be when she grows up….I feel you. I follow your blog religiously because every post is so authentic and relatable. Thank you for doing what you do, ❤

    Liked by 1 person

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