Adulting is this bizarre status we all thought we wanted. When we got it, we wanted to return it, but didn’t have the damn gift receipt. If anyone knows where I can exchange adulthood for childhood at the age of 28, please, for the love of God, let me know.
Sometimes, adulthood slowly creeps up on you. Here’s a list of twenty things that tell you that you are, in fact, adulting now. Good fricken luck.
- Realizing how wrong you were to be in a hurry to grow up.
- When consuming an entire bottle of wine in one sitting is normal.
- Realizing boredom is a wonderful, wonderful thing.
- When you start referring to technological advancement as a “Capitalistic Ploy.”
- Accepting the frigid reality of having just 2 weeks’ vacation out of a 52-week year.
- Choosing a movie on Netflix based upon its runtime so that you aren’t up past your bed time.
- Doing laundry before you run out of clean underwear.
- When you start referring to the teenagers in the streets as “hooligans.”
- That moment you’re standing motionless in front of the wall of toilet paper at the grocery store, trying to figure out what the best deal is.
- That moment you’re standing motionless in front of the wall of toilet paper at the grocery store, because it’s fucking empty thanks to the ‘rona.
- Having the daily “we have food at home” talk with yourself on the way home from work.
- When “putting on your big girl panties” is both literal and figurative.
- When talking to yourself becomes “consulting the expert.”
- Using adult-like excuses to get out of plans you really regret making.
- i.e. “Sorry, I can’t make it, I have to meet with my financial planner this afternoon.”
- Realizing just how wrong you were when you refused to nap as a child.
- Pretending you don’t have any money so that you can keep your money.
- Buying a Costco membership.
- Thrusting your eyes open and panicking at 6 AM when you hear the garbage truck coming down the street.
- When you regularly use words like “refinance,” “equity,” and “investment.”
- Developing a professional verbal filter and corresponding dictionary.
- “Per my last email” = “Bitch, can’t you read?”
- “I’m fine.” = “Fuck off.”
- “I would be happy to sign a Non-Disclosure agreement…” = “You can keep your shit.”
- “I can work with it and see.” = “You don’t know what you’re talking about, but I will make it happen because I’m awesome.”
- “I will prioritize this.” = “I’ve got so much shit on my plate, but don’t worry, I can make your problems my top priority right now.”
- “I need to use a sick day.” = “I’m completely healthy and just don’t want to see ya’lls faces today.”
- “Thanks for that valuable input.” = “STFU.”
- “Let’s do lunch.” = “Wanna GTFO and talk shit about everyone in this meeting?”
- “What a creative concept.” = “How far up your ass did you reach for this idea?”
- “While I appreciate your feedback…” = “Yeah, well, that’s, like, your opinion, Margaret.”
- “I never thought about that…” = “No one asked you.”
- “What’s on your plate for today?” = “Get ready, I’m about to drop a bomb on your entire kitchen table.”
- “I am happy to spearhead this project.” = “Move over, bitch, let me drive.”
- “Allow me to process this.” = “Why are you talking to me before I’ve had my coffee?”
Like, follow, and share if you can relate. We don’t know what we’re doing. We’re a bizarre, babbling, bumbling band of baboons trying to figure it all out.
But we’re not alone.