Toilet Paper and Ammo

Amid the Corona Virus pandemic, it is easy to say the world’s introverts are in their PRIME. Working from home, calling the dog a co-worker, and having the ultimate excuse to turn down plans? Boom. An introvert’s paradise. Sign me the hell up.

“How is everyone doing?” My boss asked the team over Skype one morning. It was about 3 weeks into quarantine, and I had long settled into my home office. My whiteboard wall was littered with notes and sketches for projects, my desk supported 3 laptops, I had the world’s largest cup of coffee in my hands, and I wasn’t wearing pants.

I was living my best life.

Let’s face it. Still living my best life. Right now.

Silence stretched across the call, and I had to check my connection to make sure I was still on.

“Um,” a team member spoke up. “I’m doing okay. It’s…weird.”

“Yes,” someone else agreed. “I’m really starting to miss people.”

“The social piece of things is certainly a challenge right now,” my boss affirmed.

Each team member took turns describing the challenges they were facing as they worked from home. It was clear everyone was yearning for a change in scenery and dying for some people time, and we were only three weeks in.

How fascinating.

“Kaitlin, how about you?” My boss asked me.

I fumbled to unmute myself, the delay in my response just long enough to be awkward.

I am always awkward. See post “This is Why I’m Not Allowed Outside.”

“I’m fine!” I sang out cheerfully.

Silence.

Apparently, I’m the odd one in the group.

I’m not sure if I do this to myself on purpose, or if I really have no control over myself in social situations. It probably would have been easier to agree with the group and commiserate, but I was completely in my element.

“I’m set up pretty well over here,” I continued. “I just need some faster internet and I could do this forever!”

They all chuckled uncomfortably, but it wasn’t a joke. To be clear, I certainly do not wish for an indefinite pandemic which keeps us trapped in our homes. I recognize this situation isn’t for everyone, and there are those seriously struggling with isolation. But personally, I would flourish working at home full-time. My home office is considerably less… peopley.

On several occasions, my husband and I have talked about how we would thrive in an apocalyptic situation. I don’t think we’re alone…by the way toilet paper and ammunition flew of the shelves last month, I’d say there’s an entire colony of people expecting the ‘rona to morph into the zombie apocalypse. (Toilet Paper? Really? If shit hits the fan, I think wiping your ass is going to be the least of your worries.) Millions of Americans are just waiting for the moment the victims of the Corona Virus rise from the grave so they can finally shout, “I TOLD YOU SO!”

Mike and I are by no means “preppers,” and we do not actually believe the zombie apocalypse is imminent, but we do think we’d be damn good at it. I can see us farming our property and hunting the deer that pass through. We would barrel through town in a massive truck to raid for supplies, use our Doberman Pinscher for security, and develop a deadly aim with our rifles and pistols. Basically, we’d be like characters straight out of The Walking Dead, except without the senseless drama and complete inability to have a moment of happiness.

As the zombies close in, we’d be standing in the center, back to back, unloading our mags in perfect rhythm, this fantastic husband and wife team taking on hell together.

“Oh my God,” I’d shout back at Mike. “I think you just shot Carl!”

“That zombie was Carl?!” Mike would exclaim, firing another round. “Eh…he was a douche bag, anyway.”

And the best part of the apocalypse?

No credit scores.

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